Are gay/homosexual/heterosexual people sexist?

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Today I am feeling guilty about being sexist. It is like feeling guilty about being a racist. I feel really guilty about being sexist. Now I do not believe that there should be strict sexual discrimination, but some sexual discrimination seems natural. We are after all different right?

The logic of people who are not sexist is that if we are really biologically different, treating the both sexes alike is the only way to find or uncover our true sexual differences. I agree but isn’t it already obvious what the difference between the sexes is?

I am sexist, I believe in preparing women for motherhood and preparing men for fatherhood. I believe that motherhood means caring for children, while fatherhood means providing for one’s family. That does not mean that I think that men who want to take care of babies and children should be denied the opportunity, or that women who want to be breadwinners should be denied that chance. But in the main I think that everyone would be happier having with gender roles.

We do not have to have strict unbreakable gender roles, but can’t we have some? Also if the definition of being sexist is discrimination on the basis of sex, shouldn’t that make all people who have a preference for having sex with ‘’only females’’ or ‘’only males ‘’ sexist? Wouldn’t that mean that gay people are sexist? Straight people are sexist?

Why can’t we just admit that sexism is normal and can be really good and have positive outcomes for individuals and society? Do people really resent gender roles so much? Who is actually harmed by sexism???? Why can’t we end the parts of sexism that are harmful and keep the parts that are helpful???

I feel like I am the past ”racist”. I mean I want my kids to end up with men and I think I would gladly socialize them in that way. If they turn out to be gay I would support them, yes. But I would not encourage them to do that or to try out girls from the beginning. I want grandkids. I feel like not being sexist means that I should encourage my kids to be bisexual and experiment until they find what they really want. When I really just would be most happy with kids who get married to men and are ”normal”. Plus, like I said I think some very good things come from gender roles.

I think we benefit when women who have kids care for them, not all women who have kids should do that and no women with kids should feel pressured into doing something she does not want to but in general women should be encouraged to do that.  Cause it benefits them and benefits society. Why would we not encourage things that benefit us all? And who does it harm?

Biology is my Religion. Why sex is more than just SEX!

Despite the many things that I do not agree with the church on, in my opinion the church(and not biology) has it right on sex! Sex is not just sex for two major reasons:

1) Sex is the most intimate thing you can do with another human being.

2) Sex results in new human beings, whose lives should be considered before the act of sex takes place.

What are my values with respect to sex? Well I think virginity is a good thing. I respect people who keep their virginity until they meet someone who they want to build a life and have children with, however I think it is unhealthy to focus on your virginity or to think of yourself as having lost a part of yourself when your virginity is lost. Non virgins should be valued pretty much as equally as virgins in the world of sex and relationships. Ideally I think that people should discuss how committed they are before having sex and they should be committed so that if a child was to be the result of sex, that child would have the highest possible chance of having his or her needs met. That child would have the benefit of two committed parents.

I know that the reality is very different from the ideal and that is okay, but we should not change the ideal just because most people are unable to achieve it though. It is an ideal; we can explain to people that being able to achieve this ideal is unlikely and that there is no reason to beat yourself up over it; yet still this is the ideal because it is what is most likely to give the best results. I think that we should look at sex as intimate and something that should ideally only be done within the context of stable relationships, however if we do have sex with the wrong person that should be shame-free. We should not be encouraged to stay in sexual relationships with people who we would not have kids with, but we should also not feel guilty about having sex with the wrong person or about giving in to our very natural desires to have sex simply for pleasure.

I am weird like this but personally speaking if my husband was to cheat on me as hurt as I would be I would not leave him (unless it was with a close friend or relative). As long as he can explain it to me I would be okay with and move on, we all make mistakes and we all give into our desires even though we intend not to. I can also see myself potentially being okay with an open relationship if there was a way for me to be 999% sure that my husband would not be getting other women pregnant and that I would not get any STDs; this is not reality though. In reality (no matter WHAT, ie even with condoms/a vasectomy)  I would fear him either giving me an STD or getting someone else pregnant. Plus I used to be an easily jealous person.

So giving into sexual desires, if you genuinely have those desires, is not bad; but it is also not the ideal! According to biology it is the ideal because biology just wants as many fit children as it can get and fit to biology is unfortunately still physical might and having a skill set more needed in the hunter-gatherer days than what is needed today. So on this one point Religion rather than biology is my religion because mankind has already created an unnaturally large society that biology did not get time to cater for and so we cannot just depend on our biological instincts when it comes to sex. Depending on biology here would mean promoting a structure for society that no longer works. Yes there are health benefits that come from giving into sexual desires, but at the same time I feel it is important for society to understand that sex is not just sex and that it is not really in the best interest of society as a whole to encourage people to give into to their desires without preparing for the children that may result.

It is also not in the best interest of society to demonize causal sex, but we as a society need to keep in mind that since sex results in babies, and babies/children do better within family settings. Who we are having sex with and the type of relationship we have when engaging in sex therefore DOES matter. Of course birth control has changed a lot with respect to this argument and with birth control sex can potentially be just sex, but birth control is not 100% effective, and in my opinion being really safe means preparing for all possible outcomes no matter how unlikely.

Biology is my Religion. Bring yourself and others joy not pain.

As most people who are not religious say, you do not need religion to have moral standards. I think biology can also offer insight into the right vs. wrong dilemma of life. We each know pain and pleasure and we know that pain is bad while pleasure is good. Morally we can look at each situation and determine who we would bring pain to by acting a certain way and who we would bring pleasure to. If we believe that our actions would bring us and those around us more joy than pain they are good actions, if not they are bad actions.

Of course it gets way more complicated than that in real life but that is the basis, and living within that realm can bring you very, very close to the moral standards of any major religion.

Biology is my Religion. Our minds are dynamic.

The other fundamental question which I have not yet answered, and is the first question I ever remember asking my mother, was ‘’who created God?’’. I must have been four because it was after primary school juma. I was in kindergarten and I have very little solid memories other than this from this time period. I remember asking her ‘’Who created Allah?’’ those were the words I used and she said ‘’I do not know”’. It was the first time my mother had said something like that and I remember feeling so shocked that she did not know. It was like a revelation that it was possible for mommy not to know something lol.

And this revelation brings me to the next part of religion that does not make sense; it is incompatible with the dynamic mind. Before asking my mother that question I believed that she knew everything. Her answer to that question changed the way I thought; it taught me something new. I discovered something that I did not believe to be true before that point. I, in that second, learnt that there were some things that mommy did not know. The fact that we can fully believe something to be true in one second and in the very next second fully believe a completely contradicting statement to be true shows us that truth cannot ever be achieved. Maybe I will change my mind on this on day but for pretty much all of my life that is how I have seen it.

When we believe something to be true and we later change our mind about it the feeling of having a new truth is exactly the same of the feeling we got with the old truth so how can we ever be sure that the new truth will not also become an old truth once we discover new information to prove that it is also not true? The point is the nature of our mind is such that it is dynamic and such that there is no difference in feeling between ”lies” that are believed and ”truths” that are believed. So everything you believe to be true now could be a lie and religion refuses to acknowledge this. This is also why I could never consider myself to be an atheist.

Biology is my Religion. There is no free will.

Okay so far I have said that I think closer to the atheists than to religious people, but what is it that I really think? Okay my father is a Christian and my mother is a Muslim. Neither of them are very strict but we grew up in church on a Sunday and the Mosque on a Friday. The church was the worse of the two because there was a Sunday school part of church and the teachers there all hated my mother. They told us that she was definitely going to hell and that she was evil (one even said she had the devil living inside of her). We of course knew this not to be true and I think as a very young child that was the reason my brother and I rejected religion completely.

Week after week of going to two different religious meetings just showed us that both people were nice and weird and that neither was better or worse than the other and that it was impossible for one person to KNOW that they were correct, or more correct than the other. We explored religion and found many of its fundamental claims to be untrue (to us, though we respect that they are true to others). One fundamental untruth that we saw in both religions was the concept of free will. We found that people, like all other animals and things in this world are a reaction or a mirror of everything around them. We found that the there is no such thing as ‘’self’’ independent from the world around us and that if self does not exist in the first place, it cannot be said to make decisions.

We are all the same. We are all reactions. We all have no control and make no choices. Choice is an illusion. If you did not choose to be born, or to be born into the family that you were born into and you can see that your family has affected the way you think and the choices you make then how can those choices be your own? Even if you say your surroundings only push you in one direction or the next and merely influence you and that you make the final decision, then who are you? Who is this you that makes the final decision? Is it your biological nature (not something you choose)? Is it the sum of everything you’ve experienced (not something you choose)? Or is it free will itself (not something you choose to have or designed)?

You did not choose your family, your nationality, your genetics or even your existence and they are your beginning. They affected the first decisions you ever made and those decisions affected the rest making each decision in your life the tipping point of one huge, connected domino field.  Everything, every single thing affects our choices. Every person we met, every movie we see, every church we go to, our biology, everything affects our choices. So choices are in no way free. I am not religious at least in part because of my childhood experiences with opposing religions and that is something that I had no control over. Likewise people who are religious are so in part because of things they also had no control over.

And if this is true how can any person be justifiably judged on what they happen to believe. If this is so then ‘’God’’ is in control of what each of us believe, and there are no good people or bad people. ‘’God’’ the one who designed us and our surrounding or who created the domino field representing our decisions is in control of every decision made and why then would he put me in a family and setting that shows me that the concepts behind religion make no sense? Why then would he create atheists only to then judge us and send us to hell? We are all just people reacting to the influences around us which we had no control over and which we did not choose.

More on the benefits of monogamy. And what I think about polyamory (open relationships).

Okay so like I said in this post monogamy is not natural. Or maybe it is but not in a completely sense since it is also natural for us to want to sleep with other people. It seems to be the best trick that mankind has played on nature though because it enabled the formation of family units which benefited children (especially boys).

If I think about the alternatives to monogamy, like open relationships or polygamous relationships they can also provide a great environment for children (in some ways an even better environment than monogamous relationships because they give children access to more than 2 parents), but it seems to me that they are still slightly unnatural. Neither monogamous nor polygamous relationships are entirely natural because the truth is that the concept of male-fame relationships probably came a bit late in our evolution. Not so late that they are entirely unnatural, but so late that fulfilling our natural desires alone would probably still leave us completely uncommitted.

Open relationships solve the biological inconsistency of denying yourself sexual pleasure when it is available but they create a playground for jealousy. Yesterday I went to a baby play group with my toddler. She almost fell and the mother of a 10 month old helped her not to fall. The 10 month old saw that and started screaming and crawled over to his mother to stop the physical contact that was taking place. This type of behavior is common and observable in all babies and even toddler where I live. ALL. They say (and I believe this) that it is a result of insecure attachment or the babies needs not being fully met.

So in countries where mothers typically meet all of the babies needs by co-sleeping and breastfeeding etc. and where there is a larger community of adults available to the child this type of jealously is rarely seen. I use this example of jealously because it came from a 10 month old baby who has had very little socialization. Jealousy as a result of not having all or basic needs met therefore seems to be a natural thing. Open relationships set up a situation where jealousy has to be dealt with at the source (ie our insecurities) rather than at the trigger (ie how monogamy deals with jealousy). Human insecurities are very hard to address in a world as superficial as ours is so until people (mainly women) stop sexually discriminating based on things like money or how much of a jerk a guy is we will always have human insecurities within male female relationships.

If the majority of people were to have open relationships society on a whole would do fine in terms of meeting children’s needs but we would end up with a huge group of people (mostly men I think) who do not get very much sex at all and who would be very unhappily wondering whose children they were taking care of or if they would ever be able to pass on their genes. Unless it was done in such a way in which a husband and wife must prioritize each other’s needs before going outside and then I think we would quickly end up with monogamy.

So relationships being separate from sex can work fine until we encounter jealously. To address this type of jealousy we have to make each member of the relationship secure. Monogamy is the end result of an attempt to do that, the alternative attempt would be to meet each person’s needs and create sexually secure partners. This would mean asking people not to sexually discriminate as opposed to asking people not to sleep around.  Maybe people throughout history just found it easier not to sleep with everyone they felt to sleep with than to sleep with people who they did not feel to sleep with. I am not sure though, what are your thoughts?

The beauty of internet relationships. Why dating online is a good idea.

I met my husband over the internet and I would not have it any other way. Isn’t it strange that whenever we are asked where we met it feels wrong or lame or somehow more shameful that we met online when in reality I cannot think of a better place to meet your spouse.  In a world where we are all seeking to be known, to be explored and to feel less alone and more like someone can see our mind (our depth, our soul) where better can we meet potential mates than online?

Yes it is true that the internet opens us yup to liars, scam artist and worse but these people can also be met in everyday life. To compensate for the greater concentration of ‘’weridos’’ that we are exposed to online the internet also forces us to make mental connections before physical ones. It allows us to really get to know the heart of the other person; the truth behind them. The internet gives us confidence to be who really are, to fuck political correctness to admit all the nasty things we have done, to let down the strong mask we wear in real life. Because the internet is a mask in itself. The screens and the distance and the anonamousity can be such a thick mask that for the first time we can be ourselves through the internet.

And it is only by being yourself that you can find someone that matches you. Some people have the confidence and security and opportunity to be themselves without the internet but I did not. I was so depressed and frustrated with my lack of connections that I invented a name for myself and went about connecting with strangers until I met the one who understood. The guy who understood what it felt like to be mentally alone. What it felt like to have so many thoughts and not know if anyone else had them as well, what it felt like to long for that type of connection where someone knows you so well that they know all of your nasty parts and still accept you. He was the one.

We spoke online for 6 months before ever exchanging pictures. We fell in love without ever knowing what we looked like, or smelt like, or felt like. All we knew was what we thought like, and now 9 years later we are still happy, still in love, have two beautiful and amazing children and still very much connected.

So internet relationships are beautiful and can be real and offer a type of connection that I think many of us crave!

Why we as parents and future parents need to save marriage and relationships.

Marriage is the corner stone of the family unit as we know it and the family unit as we know it is the corner stone of development and progress within society. The family unit as we know it provides children with a stable environment in which they have access to role models from both sexes. The family provides a safe place for children to grow and develop into productive individuals.

Now personally I do not care if you have a wedding or get marriage legally. I lived with my husband for 2 years before getting married legally and nothing changed after the legal marriage part. We married legally to make it easier for us to travel together and because I wanted his last name. To me marriage is a commitment between two people to spend their lives together and to be monogamous. If you feel to have a wedding or to have your marriage recognized by the courts, great; but it is not necessary for there to be a marriage. All that is necessary for two people to be married is for them to commit to each other.

When we have commitment between parents society gets ‘’better’’ children. Society gets children who can contribute more because they were given regular access to at least two contributing role models from either sex. Without commitment society can get the same quality of children but it is not guaranteed. Without commitment it depends on the individual parents and how much both make an effort to be in their children’s lives. So to me commitment is better for children and so if you want to have children do not be afraid to ask for marriage.

Marriage contrary to popular belief can also bring a lot of joy and a lot of sex. I think monogamy (though less important than marriage) is also important because sex is never just sex. Sex is not just sex, sex is the most intimate thing that two people can do. And sex is not just about the two people involved, sex is also about the possibility of creating an entirely new human being and so having standards and only wanting to have sex with someone who you would be comfortable creating a child with is not a bad thing and does not make you prudish. It does not mean that you get no joy from sex, or you see it only in relation to children it means that you acknowledge the possibility of creating a new life while having sex.

Polygamy can also be great if you happen to fall for more than one person and you all are comfortable committing and building your lives together. The point is really that commitment before sex benefits children.

I am a better mom than you :P The mommy wars.

Okay so I am a stay at home mother and I believe that it is important for mothers to stay at home and raise their kids themselves and I think that women need more support to be able to make that decision. I think society needs to start supporting parenthood. I think society needs to stop looking at it like a luxury, like something that you should only do if you can afford it etc. Children are important because they are our future. Stay at home parenthood is also undervalued in my opinion. I speak out a lot about the reasons why I think that mothers (or fathers if that works better) should stay at home and I have a friend who is currently pregnant and does not intend to stay at home.

I read recently a blog post from her and I have the feeling that she thinks that I think that women should not have the right to bring children into this world if they do not do it a certain way. Or that I think I am a better mommy than her, so I feel the need to put how I really feel out there. I do not think that any parent is a better parent than any other parent. I do not think that any human is a better human than any other human, just as I do not think that any rock is a better rock than another rock. And yes that includes parents that rape their children or kill their children or drug and sell their children. I am no better than them. People, all people (just like all animals and things present in this world) are simply a reflection of the entire world around them.

We are each a reaction to our past and the past of those who came before us. When a person goes to school with a gun and tries to kill all the other students that does not make the person a bad person, when someone rapes and kills a 4 years old that does not make them a bad person. Those acts are a reflection of what those people have been and are going through. It makes their situation screwed up, but it does not make them better or worse than any other human or thing. On a lower more moralistic level I define right and wrong by how much pain or pleasure you cause or intend to cause.

By intentionally hurting someone you are doing something ‘’wrong’’ because you know the feeling of pain to be something bad. Working mothers obviously love their children. Whether someone works outside of the home or inside the home tells nothing about how much they love their kids or intend to bring their children joy. My sister works outside the home and she thinks I am crazy (or lazy) for leaving a good job to stay at home but the thing is fundamentally we have very different views on ‘’what is best for the child’’. We both love our children equally but to her what is best for her children is an education in the BEST, most expensive schools and an inheritance. For me I think children need someone to watch over and guide them.

That is a debate we as a society need to take on. What is actually best for the overall wellbeing of children? Not who loves their children more or who is a better mommy, or who has better intentions for their children because both sides can love and have the very best intentions and I think that in most cases both sides DO!

Can liberals and conservatives unite?

As far as I can tell, both sides do their damage.

Neoconservative emphasis on the nuclear family cuts people off from natural extended family ties and makes the unit much more geographically mobile, much more socially isolated, and consequently much more easily exploited by industry and commerce.

Liberal detraction from the importance of personal role models, father figures, structure, and order tends to destabilize the natural structures in which healthy families develop, and the liberal keenness to defend the status of single mothers, homosexuals, transsexuals (etc) blows those issues out of all proportion to their actual importance and distracts from the importance of the relationships that most people form and most people rely on (ie: monogamous heterosexuality).

Neither of the two sides which prevail in US politics can claim the family for their own. In their own ways, they are both enemies of the family.

—Random quote from the internet that I like. It was a comment.

I could kiss whoever made this post, I agree with it so much. Yes gays need to have marriage legalized, single mothers need support, polygamous people should be able to marry and we need to change all the laws to start respecting minority groups; BUT they are minority groups. And a system in which they remain ‘’minority’’ groups is (as bigoted as it sounds) ideal. Gay people, trans people, polygamous people and all the rest should remain a minority. They can be a large minority making up 50% of the population or so but the marriage concept should ideally be the largest unified majority group.

When you kill the concept of marriage to give minority groups their rights you simply create new minority groups who suffer. And a system where 50% of the people’s issues are given no attention is not ideal. We have to strive for a balanced system. Liberals and Conservatives have to unite under the recondition that they each have to respect the behaviors of the opposite side and they each have to be careful not to demonize the core of what the opposing side values.

— second opinion

First of all I have to say that I am not an American and have never even been to America, but still I find myself fascinated by the different ideologies between liberals and conservatives. As far as I see I am a liberal conservative. And so I want to ask liberals and conservatives this question; why can’t you all unite?

Okay so I think that everyone should be equal under the law and be awarded the same rights regardless of how they think or act. So yes gay people should be able to get married and adopt children. Abortions should be legal. Daycare should be provided by the state. Welfare should exist. HOWEVER, and this is where the conservative in me comes out, society should not encourage people to do things that are clearly destructive to both the individual and to society on a whole.

Therefore while gays should have the right to adopt, it would be in the best interest of society that gay people do not make up the majority of people parenting children. While abortion should be legal it would be in the best interest of society to make sure that the majority of pregnancies do not end in abortion. While daycare and welfare should be provided by the state it would be in the best interest of society to make sure that the majority of people do not need to use either publicly funded daycare or welfare.

My point is that society benefits when the majority of people act conservatively. So encouraging and enabling conservative behavior is a good thing. At the same time laws and people need to respect and enable the non-conservative members of society. So what I really want to say to the liberals is that we can benefit from many conservative values and therefore we should hold on to them, respect them and admit that they have value. And to the conservatives, you are often correct but since there is variation and we are all different and the government and state should represent us all and not just some or the majority the liberals are correct when it comes to legal stuff.